Test

I forget to care about myself.

 

I got so used to know what the world is going through, what other people's sufferings are that I deliberately choose to ignore my own.

 

"That person has gone through worse things, I shouldn't care about this. This is small."

 

I forget, that THIS is not small for me. Because after hiding and smiling and being strong through it all, someone finally holds me by the shoulders and tells me, "I know you're going through a lot. That's okay. You're going through something big. You can do this."

 

He called my problems big. And I realize they were. They were weighing me down without me even knowing it. I've focused on telling my self that this pain is too little to be noticed and that my problems are too mild to be important, that I've completely treated myself as unimportant.

 

I felt unimportant enough to the point that I was denying that what I was going through was hurting me.

 

I mean, people have gone through worse, I shouldn't worry about this. This is nothing.

 

I realize that I've been calling myself nothing these past few days. I've been treating myself like nothing.

 

I forget to care about myself.

 

I'm so used to feeling the pain of everyone around me that when it was time for my own, I shove it aside, thinking that my pain was completely unimportant.

 

I have been treating myself as if I was unimportant.

 

And now that someone finally reminds me of what I am, I feel everything all at once.

 

I feel the pain I've been constantly hiding. The numbness I have drowned myself in dissipated just like that.

 

Someone thought that my pain was important. Someone thought that I was important.

 

I forgot about that.

 

I forgot about myself. I forgot about treating myself right. I forgot about not running away.

 

I forgot.

 

And now I'm remembering.

 

I remember everything.

 

The pain feels stronger now.

 
The only reason why I'm not crying or shaking is because I still have to do things. I have duties to my self, my family, and my school.

Isn't that messed up? I have to hold everything in because depression doesn't exactly have a deadline.

But then again, that's what makes humans humans. Timing has always been important. Life isn't all just pull the trigger and run. It's don't make a sound or you'll be dead. Stay low for now. Sadness can come later.

That's what life is apparently.

As I write the pain is heavy in my chest. I've gotten so used to people relying on me that when I need someone I'm afraid to ask for help.

Who would help the strong one? I feel like such a hypocrite feeling like this. Feeling weak. I feel like such a traitor to what I believe in.

I still believe God's there for me. I still believe He's just there.

I also believe He's letting me feel this pain, I have to learn from this.

Life is this whole lesson actually. Tests are at the end. You either finish the test or give up halfway. Giving up has always been the easier choice. Ending it all and running away seems easy and comforting.

But I don't think I can run away from something I have to learn from.

Right now I have to learn about what this is. What I am. And how strong I'll be.

I hope I pass the test.